Once Bitten, Twice Shy

When we were little kids, the adults always used to say, “Don’t run away from the bees.  They won’t sting you if you just stand there.”

I thought this was the worst possible advice ever. It truly made me doubt the common sense and overall intelligence of adults.  I absolutely ignored what they said and ran like hell any time a bee came near me.

That is how, I believe, I had managed to avoid ever being stung by a bee my entire life.

Until about 2 years ago.

It was the middle of the night.  I was in bed, sound asleep.  I was underneath a sheet, and a weighty down comforter.

Suddenly I felt a burning, stinging pain in my ass.  Literally, not figuratively which can sometimes be the case depending on the situation and the person I am with at any given point in time. 

Now that I am retired, the figurative pain in the ass situations have decreased significantly.  Being married however, precludes those situations ever reaching zero.

But I digress. Back to the story.

Mind you, I was sound asleep, so I was jolted awake, but was still confused and groggy as to what happened.  I reached my hand towards my butt where the pain was originating and that is when I felt it, something that I could only surmise was a bee of some sort, THROUGH MY UNDERWEAR!!!  I ripped off the underwear with a major shriek which was enough to wake both the dead and Ernie, who tends to sleep like the dead.

It wasn’t just any old bee. Nope. It was a WASP. Directly on my ass, underneath the underwear, underneath the sheet, underneath the comforter.  How in the heck does that happen???!!! How does it get underneath all those layers, and furthermore, why??? 

Well, having never been stung before, I started to panic.  My OCD, worst case scenario thinking started to kick in. What if I am allergic? I have no idea if I am allergic because I have never been stung.  What if I go into anaphylactic shock and die?  

I started to feel nauseous and dizzy.  I googled bee stings.  Dr. Google told me that nauseousness and dizziness could be signs of an allergic reaction and to seek help.

I immediately dialed 911, explained the situation, and then waited for the ambulance to arrive.

While I was waiting, I started to feel better.  No nausea. No dizziness.  Embarrassment barged in and pushed all other feelings out of the way.  “Omg,” I thought to myself.  “I need to cancel them.  This is so EMBARRASSING.”   But before I can call and cancel, there was a knock at the door.

It was a policeman.  What the heck? I called for an ambulance, why is there a cop here? So, I let him in and explained that I was fine, no need to bother, and apologized.  Before I could finish apologizing, the ambulance arrived and two medics came in.  I repeated the apology, explained that while I was feeling dizzy and nauseous, that had passed, and I was feeling ok, and clearly not having an allergic reaction.

They asked me a few questions, one of which was, did I think to take any Benadryl? I did not have any Benadryl in the house, so that would be a no.

They were really quite nice about the whole thing though.  I am sure that when they left ,they had a pretty good chuckle about the crazy lady who got stung on her ass while asleep in her bed. 

The next day we called the wasp exterminators.  Turned out there was a wasp nest beneath the eaves of the house right by our bedroom.  Somehow an errant wasp made its way, uninvited, into the bedroom.  I still don’t know why it burrowed underneath not only the covers, but my underwear.  And that is a question that will remain forever unanswered.

Meanwhile? I still run like hell anytime I see a bee. Of course, lying in bed, sound asleep beneath the covers there’s not much I can do but cross my fingers and pray for safekeeping.