Pee Before You Leave
Heed my advice. Pee before you leave. No matter if it’s a 15 or 45 minute drive to where you are headed. You never know what might arise to turn that 15 or 45 minute drive into 5 hours.
Case in point: I was headed home from work one day when I decided I would not take the time to pee. I really didn’t have to go and I was in a bit of a rush to get home. I was working at the National Constitution Center in Philly at the time, so I was looking at a 45 minute to an hour drive, depending on traffic.
If you have never been to the National Constitution Center, it is a lovely building. Beautiful glass walls throughout providing lots of natural light and the opportunity to see what the weather is outside. However, we staffers were consigned to the basement. No windows. No light. No clue as to the weather. Plus, parking is in a garage, so I wouldn’t have had any idea that it was raining cats and dogs until I pulled out of the garage.
“Hmmm,” I thought to myself. “This doesn’t seem good.” I put on KYW to get the traffic and weather report (pre smart phone days). I drove up the Benjamin Franklin Parkway and came to my first decision point. Normally, I would take Kelly Drive. However, due to the massive downpour, I thought the better of it, knowing how that road floods in conditions like that.
Meanwhile, traffic was at a crawl. Took me just an hour to even get to that point. And that feeling of not really having to pee before I left, definitively became a feeling of needing to pee. We’ll put it at DefCon 5 (numbers go down as intensity level goes up, fyi. Seems counterintuitive, I know).
I inched my way onto the Schuylkill ever so slowly while the heavens continued to rain down. I was reminded of the Bill Cosby bit (my skin crawls even mentioning his name, my apologies) my brother and I used to love to listen to where God asks Noah to build an Ark (how long can you tread water?) The situation was clearly taking on biblical proportions.
The skies were already a dark gray when I had left the building at around 5:30. Inky blackness was starting to seep in. My second decision point arose as I approached the Lincoln Drive exit. Again, I thought the better of it, knowing that that road also flooded in conditions like that. Best to stay put on the Schuylkill all the way I thought. That’s got to be my safest route.
I was about 2 hours into the drive home. Needing to pee hit DefCon 4.
The crawl up the Schuylkill continued until it didn’t. There was zero movement. It had taken me another hour to go from the Lincoln Drive Exit to just past the Gladwyne exit which was when everything came to a dead standstill. Inky blackness was fully settled in and the pitch black surrounded me, rain pummeled all around me, wind was howling. Need to pee level dropped to DefCon 3. The only good thing I thought to myself was that I was not low on gas. I was desperate for anything that was a positive.
I sat there, in the darkness and pouring rain and waited. And waited. And waited. KYW weather declared a tornado warning in effect. “OMG,” I thought. “Where do I go /what do I do if that happens?!” I had heard you should not stay in your car and to find a low ditch to lay down in. I wouldn’t be able to see my hand in front of me if I left my car, let alone find a ditch, let alone a ditch that was not full of water.
KYW also reported that both the Kelly and Lincoln Drives had flooded. That people were stranded. Some were standing on the tops of their cars. “Ok,” I thought. “See? Good call, my situation could be much worse,” I tried to console myself (again, desperate for any positives) as well as prayed for the wellbeing of everyone caught in that flooding.
I was then approaching DefCon 2 on the need to pee scale. It was bad. I was starting to feel really intense discomfort. I was stuck in the right lane. I thought about dashing out and just finding a spot in the woods off the highway and do a squat and pee. No one will be able to see me because it was pitch black. But it was pouring rain and there was a tornado warning and I couldn’t see anything. I weighed the pros and cons of this decision and went with, nope, can’t do it. Just gotta hold it a little longer. How much longer could it be after all?
5 hours into the drive home. Stuck not moving for 2 hours when KYW reported the issue with the standstill traffic on the Schuylkill. A downed tree blocking the highway. Aargh!! It had been 2 hours of not moving already, who knew how much longer it would take?
Pee scale? DefCon 1. All out, gotta pee or I’m gonna bust a kidney. That’s when I saw some cars start to turn around and drive down the shoulder of the road, back towards the Gladwyne exit. I had no choice. It was that or die of a burst bladder.
Fortunately, I was in the right lane so I was easily able to turn the car around and follow the other cars towards the exit. Only problem was, I had no idea where I was going.
I called Ernie on my not smart phone and asked him if he could look at a map and help me figure out where to go. That didn’t go well. I then called my dad who was familiar with the area, but that didn’t go well either. I was on my own. I don’t know where all the cars that were ahead of me went, but I was making my way blindly through Gladwyne, passing downed trees, barely able to see out my windshield, just driving this way and that, hoping to come upon something I recognized and hoping a tree didn’t fall on me. All the while my bladder was screaming bloody murder at me.
And finally, yes! I saw it! The Marriott in Conshohocken. Shimmering like a beacon of light in the darkness, calling me towards it. There! Another beacon glowing in the dark was a McDonald’s. Glory be!! I am saved!
I ran into the McDonald’s and never had a pee felt so good. I’m talking even better than the when you were in college and had played several rounds of quarters and had drunk several pitchers of beer and the line to the ladies room was miles long have to pee.
Next decision point was do I just book a room at the Marriott and head home the next day? Nah. I wanted to get the hell home. I made my way towards the entrance ramp for North 476. Only to find it was blocked. They weren’t letting any cars on. Well, that was my only way home. Well, the only way I knew how to get home.
I couldn’t go North but I could go South. I called my dad, and said, “I made my way into Conshohocken, I can’t go North but I can go South. I will be spending the night at your place if that’s ok.”
About 20 minutes later I was in Broomall at my dad’s place. I don’t drink whisky, but I poured myself a shot that night. Might even have had a second.
Next morning, I called work to tell them I would be late as I had to make my way home first, relaying the whole series of events.
Moral of the story, pee-ps? PBYL.(Pee Before You Leave). Your bladder will thank you.