Where Are My Reading Glasses?

I’ve crossed the line. I am officially old.  I now wear my reading glasses on a chain around my neck.  Nothing says old like wearing your readers around your neck. 

One could say nothing says old like needing reading glasses, but since that starts around age 40, and 40 is the new 30, that is hardly old.

When my eye doctor first told me I needed reading glasses, he suggested I go to the dollar store and buy a bunch and leave a pair in every room of the house.  Good advice.  That’s exactly what I did.

At work however, I only had one pair.  I don’t think the company would have appreciated my randomly leaving reading glasses around the office.

It was annoying having to put them on or  take them off at work, depending on the situation.  In a conference room, looking at a presentation up on the screen? Not a problem. Don’t need them.  Looking at a handout right in front of me? Need them. Looking at my computer screen? Put them on.  Conversation with someone? Take them off. On, off, on, off.  All day long at work.

One day I noticed a coworker sporting her reading glasses on a decorative brooch-like accessory that she had clipped to her fleece vest.  I commented on it and she said her friend makes them and was selling them for only $5.  I bought one.  I clipped it to the belt loop of the jeans I was wearing that day.

I approached my good friend, Christine, at work and the first thing she said to me was, “What is that?”. 

 I responded, “What is what?”. 

 “That thing holding your glasses.”

 “Oh,” I said, “Isn’t this great? Nancy in accounting is selling them.”

Christine just looked at me like I lost my marbles.  “You are taking fashion advice from Nancy in accounting?” 

I paused for a minute and realized that Nancy pretty much always wore a turtleneck, fleece vest, loafers, and a string of pearls.  Yeah, maybe not the chicest of choices.

“Is this not a good look?”, I asked Christine. 

“Definitely not!”, she said with all the confidence and guidance of a fairy couture godmother. One clad in Louboutin shoes and carrying a Gucci purse.

And without so much as a bippity-boppity-boo, I removed the brooch-like clip.  The glasses went back on the top of my head.  I sighed.  I explained that it was such a pain keeping track of the glasses and having them handy all the time. 

I told her that if this wasn’t an option, then I needed to seriously consider the granny chain.  Again, Christine gave me the have you lost your marbles look. 

“Well, Lauren wears the granny chain with her glasses, and it’s really cute!”, I said. 

Christine replied, “Lauren is 30 years old.  Everything looks cute when you are 30 years old.” Nothing says real friend like one who shares the cold, hard, unvarnished truth.

With that I consigned myself for the next 10 years of just keeping my readers handy.  Perching them on top of my head, keeping them in a pocket or a purse, what have you. 

I thought about getting bifocals that are made specifically for people who have 20/20 vision so that the top half is just clear glass.  But that seemed silly to me.  I have 20/20 vision, and it would probably be even more annoying dealing with wearing bifocals and having to wear glasses all the time.

So, I continued with multiple pairs of readers throughout the house and making do at work with my one pair and the whole on/off cycle.

Until now.  I am now 60.  I am retired.  I do not care if the granny chain makes me look old. I am old! It’s time to embrace it and own it and stop torturing myself with the dang readers.

However, I did make one concession.  I didn’t get the granny chain style.  I got this sporty, nylon material style.  Nothing says fashionable, hip, and cool like a sporty, nylon reading glass accessory, right?  My fairy couture godmother hasn’t seen me yet to tell me otherwise.