ABC’s

I was going through some of my old stuff the other day.  One of the things I came across was my kindergarten report card.

Let me tell you, the bar 56 years ago was very low.  They were happy if we could tie our shoes, know where we lived, and could count to ten.  

Today’s kindergarteners are writing a thesis on climate change.  Or as my son-in-law put it, “Nowadays if you don’t speak a second language by age 5, you’re falling behind.”

Here’s what a kindergartner report card looked like from 56 years ago:

I can:

Color well, cut well, paste well. Such important skill sets for later in life, don’t you know?

I come to school on time every day. I stay at home only when I am sick.  Like any 5 year old has control over that.  In a lot of cases you couldn’t stay home even when you were sick.  You could be on death’s door, but your mother would be like, “it’s nothing.  You’re fine. It’s just the sniffles.  Or, it’s just a flesh wound. Or, it’s not leprosy. You’re going to school.”

I cover a cough.  Well, today, you cough, you better have an N95 mask and a note from your doctor saying it’s not Covid.

I rest quietly. I eat quietly. I wait my turn quietly.  What is with all this quietness? I guess they were still subscribing to the adage that children should be seen and not heard.

I obey the patrol boys.  Wait. Stop. Hold on.  Really?! Patrol BOYS?!!  Yeah.  Definitely pre-ERA movement.

Of course there was the requisite knowing your address, your birthday, your telephone number, the colors, counting to ten. 

This one is interesting:  It says:

Follow Three Directions: 1. See the books on the table. 2. Pick them all up. 3. Take them away. When? When do I see the books? Don’t I see books on the table all day? When do I pick them up? Whenever I see books at any point in time in the day? To where do I take them?

Or how about this one?

I like music. I keep time. I do what the music tells me.  And this is important, why? What if a kid just didn’t have rhythm? Sorry, Mrs. Smith, we can’t move your child to 1st grade next year.  Yeah, she doesn’t like music. And worse, she can’t even keep time to it.  And when I asked her what does the music tell her, she said “to have a cookie.”  So she’ll need to repeat kindergarten until she learns to like music.

I like to hear and play stories.  I speak plainly in full sentences.  Well, we already established that today you are falling behind if you aren’t speaking a second language.  Back then it was just an accomplishment to speak in full sentences. And hearing and playing stories clearly held some major importance.

Because I went to Catholic school we were also evaluated on whether we could say our prayers, were reverent, and attentive at religion time. Our attentiveness did not appear to be required at any other time however.

These next ones I think need some space in today’s curriculum for sure.  Maybe this is part of our problem with our inability to have civil discourse these days because kindergartners are no longer evaluated on these things:

I always tell the truth

I work and play well with others

I listen when others talk and I am quiet when others work

I try to be polite.  Ok, not sure why this one is “try” to be polite vs I am polite.  Like, it doesn’t say “try” anywhere else.  Not I always “try” to tell the truth, or I “try” to work and play well with others.  Maybe they thought being polite was just too much of a stretch for a 5 year old?

I really like this one:

I think of things to do myself.  Yeah, nobody wanted to have to bother with you or entertain you.  Not even the teachers apparently. You are on your own kid.  Teach yourself. We grown-ups have other grown-up things to tend to.

And this one:

I finish what I start.  Gosh darn it all kiddo, no half-measures here.  You started to color that page.  You darn well better finish it before this class is over.  No coming back to it tomorrow.

I’d love to see a kindergarten report card today.  I imagine it could look something like this:

Knows how to operate an iPad.

Is fully digitally savvy and can help anyone over the age of 50 with their digital/tech questions.

Successfully secured angel funding for new app development

Fluent in three languages

Shortlisted for Pulitzer Prize in literature

Developed new theorem in quantum physics

 Ah, what a difference 56 years make.  Terrified to think what a kindergartner report card will look like 56 years from now.

 Successfully navigated the space-time continuum?