Asleep at The Wheel

For most people, the term ‘asleep at the wheel’ is a figure of speech.  For me? A literal occurrence.  And the literal occurrence led to a date night with a sleep lab.  I would have much preferred a date night with George Clooney, but that wasn’t an option.  

Several years ago, I started to notice I was getting very sleepy at work anytime in the afternoon after 2 pm and driving home from work at the end of the work day.

God forbid that any meeting between the hours of 2 and 6 involved dimming the lights and power point presentations.  That was a guaranteed trigger to la la land.  I found it became important to have a good friend in those meetings so that you could discreetly text them about what you missed when you dozed off.  They could also poke you or kick you under the table and wake you to avoid any inopportune situations.

And my commute home from work? It was about 30 minutes.  Right around the 20 minute mark, I had to fight to keep my eyes open.  My solution? Just give them a little rest.  Not a nap per se.  Just a little rest when stopped at a red light.  I perfected the ability to rest my eyes while still keeping them slightly open so I could tell when the light changed to green.  I, of course, made sure to put the car in park.  I am a responsible driver after all.  

I attributed this increased drowsiness to age. 

My solution was not fail-safe however, and it, well, failed.  There I was, parked at a red light, less than 5 minutes from home.  Resting my eyes, slightly open, seeing the light changing to green, I put the car in drive and proceeded through the intersection. Y’all know what’s coming next.

Suddenly, without warning, next thing I knew, I felt a jolt and heard a loud scraping sound.  I startled and saw that my car had hit the curb.  What the heck just happened? I literally fell asleep at the wheel is what just happened. I was pretty shook up and just so thankful no one was hurt, including myself.

The next day, my friend tells me I need to go see a doctor because falling asleep while engaged in an activity like driving, is not normal, no matter what your age.

As someone who goes to the doctor for a paper cut (slightly exaggerating here, but only slightly, lol), I didn’t need much more encouragement.

And that is what led to my date with the sleep lab.  The objective was to rule out sleep apnea and/or narcolepsy. Those were my two options? That’s like asking someone how they would like to be put to death, hanging or guillotine.  Neither is fun.

I showed up at the sleep lab facility already in my pajamas, with my own pillow, at around 9:30 pm.  The first study would be to rule out sleep apnea. 

They walked me into the room which was like walking into a SubZero freezer. The aide said, “We keep it cool to help with sleeping.”  That’s the best they could come up with? They would need more than cool temperatures to help with sleeping.  How about some Xanax?

He sat me down in a chair and started to prep me for the sleep apnea study.  I had multi-colored wires coming out of me everywhere.  The ones on my scalp were heat blasted onto my head with a hair dryer.  I looked like a creature out of one of the bar scenes in a Star Wars movie. 

The wires hanging off my head looked like some kind of hair extensions fashion trend.  They attached wires across my chest, on my arms and legs, and an oxygen reader on my finger.  These wires were connected to a machine.  He tried to control the chaos of the wires with various clips.  He explained that if I had to go to the bathroom at any point, just wheel the thing that the wires were attached to, like it was an IV pole.

The fun wasn’t over yet. When he was done he pointed to the camera that was on the wall directly opposite the bed.  He said, “Now, don’t worry.  We will be watching you the whole night.  If you have any problem, we’ll see it.  You can also talk to us.  The room is miked. You can get into bed now and whenever you are ready and comfortable, just turn out the light and go to sleep.”

Ready and comfortable?  Just go to sleep? Under the watchful eye of the all-seeing camera and the all-hearing microphone? Was this some kind of joke?  This was like self-consciousness on steroids. Would I drool? Would I fart?  Would I say something inappropriate out loud in my sleep?  Assuming I sleep at all?

He left the room and his disembodied voice floated into the room letting me know all was good on his end. He said, “Ok, Mary, whenever you are ready, go to sleep!”  Go to sleep.  Sure thing. I’ll also use my super powers to conjure up a million dollars out of thin air, while I’m at it.

I climbed into the bed, grateful for my pillow at least.  I tried to position myself with all the wires in the most comfortable way possible, which was to say, not at all.

I called out to them, “Ok, I am going to turn the light out now and try to go to sleep.”  Operative word being ‘try.’

Disembodied voice responded, “ Great. Good night, Mary!”

It was around 11:30 pm.

I laid there.  And laid there. And laid there.  Once in a position, you didn’t want to move because you’d have to reposition all those wires.  I got up to pee at one point, dragging my IV-like pole with me and fanning my wires out away from my body so as not to pee on them or have them fall into the toilet.

I climbed back into bed.  I laid there. And laid there. And laid there.  

At 6 am, an aide came in to the room.  I must have fallen asleep at some point, because he woke me up saying, “We did get enough data from the amount of time that you did sleep.  You do not have sleep apnea.  That means you have to stay for the narcolepsy test.”

The aide then said, “Ok, Mary, the way this works is, we are going to ask you to fall asleep.  We will do this every hour or so.  We will start at 8 am and it will last until 4 pm.  It will be a 15 minute interval of sleep.  We will prompt you to sleep at the beginning of each interval and wake you up at the end of each interval.”

Yeah, right.  Sleep on command now? Again with the cameras and microphones?

Disembodied voice floats in to the room and says, “Ok, Mary, it’s 8 am.  Go to sleep.”

I laid down, closed my eyes.  I’ll never fall asleep I think.  This is crazy.  However, next thing I knew, I heard a voice, “Ok, Mary, you can wake up now.” Huh, what? I actually fell asleep?  Ok, well, maybe because I didn’t get much sleep last night.

But the next hour and pretty much every interval thereafter, I fell asleep.  In between sleep periods, I worked, as I had brought my laptop.   Oddly, I got used to the “Mary, you can go to sleep now” command.

4 pm arrived and I was free to go.  That was a one and done date for sure.  Don’t call me, I’ll call you.  Never.

Weeks later I got the call from the doctor.  The diagnosis? Narcolepsy.  He wanted to put me on any number of drugs. One of them, Modifinal, came with a black box warning.  Here, take this drug, it will help you stay awake, but it might kill you. 

When I declined the drugs he said, “Well, I can’t help you then.  I do have to tell you that every 15 minutes when you are driving your car, you need to pull over, get out and walk around for a bit.”

My solution? I drank a cup of tea around 4:30 pm before leaving to drive home.  I stood up in the afternoon meetings instead of sitting.  If I felt tired driving home, I pulled over. No more ‘resting my eyes’ at a red light.

I never fell asleep at the wheel again.  Well, not literally anyway.  Figuratively speaking? It’s a whole other story.

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