Roast Chicken

Let’s talk chicken.  Roast Chicken to be specific.  Sam’s Club Roast Chicken to be even more specific.  The mecca of all Roast Chickens.  The cult-like fanaticism of its customers who worship at the roasted altar.  A visit to that altar is not for the faint of heart.  You have to be prepared for exchanges that might happen, for the rules and protocols of which must be adhered. 

But let’s back up a little first.  Used to be we bought our Roast Chickens at Giant. You could get a Roast Chicken there for $5.99 which we thought was a pretty good deal.  It was your typical Roast Chicken. 

Giant must have decided that they wanted to own the Roast Chicken business because they guaranteed that there would always be a chicken there between the hours of 5 and 7.  If not, they’d give you one free. 

Well, if you know my husband, you know he sniffs out a good deal like that, like a dog sniffs out some, well, Roast Chicken.

Ernie got into the habit of popping into the store fairly frequently during those hours to see if he could catch them not having any chickens available. He was quite successful at this and we frequently dined on free Roast Chicken. 

Ernie, ever magnanimous, would also spread the word in the store when that happened. “Hey,” he’d say to various people in the store, “if you want a free chicken, go over there now and ask for one. They are out of them right now! You’ll get a raincheck for a free chicken!” 

Giant quickly learned that that was not a good promotion for them and it didn’t last too long before they stopped offering the deal.  I am almost certain that Ernie was the primary factor that led to that decision.  They did not account for him in their promotional P&L analysis.  Amazing the havoc one avid deal seeker can cause.

Meanwhile, we discovered Sam’s Club Roast Chickens.  These chickens were enormous! They made the Giant ones look like baby chickens.  It even said it on the label “Extra-large chickens”.  I don’t want to think about where and how they procure/make these extra-large chickens, though the word steroids comes to mind.  I think that’s a topic better left unexplored if I want to continue eating them. 

Even better than the size of these chickens which could easily feed a family of four, is that they were a dollar less than the puny Giant ones.  They were only $4.99!  I mean, you can’t get a decent sized coffee at Starbucks for $4.99. Once we discovered that bargain, we joined the throngs of the Sam’s Club Roast Chicken faithful.

But, as noted above, typically one doesn’t just walk in and grab a chicken.  First, you have to know the times of day when they are making the chickens.   You’d think they’d be making them around the clock, but no.  There are times we’ve gone and there were no chickens to be had and no one making any chickens.  Huge disappointment that is. Suddenly then, you have to come up with plan B for dinner, because it ain’t gonna be Roast Chicken.

Now, you may get there, and there are no Roast Chickens available in the case, but someone is making them.  The two large rectangular ovens that stand about 6 feet high are cranking on chickens.  There is a timer, so you can see how long it will be before those chickens are cooked.

This happened to me the other day.  No chickens in the case, but oven number one would be ready with chickens in 16 minutes.  Oven number two had 32 minutes left to go. There was a woman standing at the case, waiting.  I thought, well, I am not going to stand here for 16 minutes.  I will do the rest of the shopping and be back here in 16 minutes.

I got back there in 14 minutes.  However, there was a long line that had formed behind the woman that was there by herself 14 minutes ago.  Given my prodigious powers of deduction, I intuitively realized that this was the protocol (that’s a joke, lol, as a toddler could have deduced that).

But I felt like I had been the second person in line.  If we were taking numbers like at a deli counter, I’d have had number 2.  So, I didn’t feel compelled to get in line.  I angled my cart opposite the woman first in line.  I felt some disconcerted glances being shot my way, but I pretended to be oblivious, like I didn’t see them, or that I was clueless about the Roast Chicken Protocols.

Two minutes went by quickly and the Chicken Man starts pulling the chickens out of the oven.  He places them in the packaging.  He generates the label that is time stamped.  All of us, mouths starting to salivate as we imagine how close we are to that juicy goodness, watch with intensity, his every move.  He starts placing them in the case, two at a time.

Woman number one takes the first two.  I make a move to get a chicken with the next two he places in the case, but woman number one grabs those two also.  I think, huh.  Ok.  She must have a big family to feed.  But she doesn’t stop there.  She grabs the next two.  Seeing what I can only guess was my perplexed expression, she announces for all to hear, “I am picking these up for a funeral.”

Well, how do you respond to that? It’s a funeral.  You’d have to be an inconsiderate, unfeeling person to begrudge her, her so far 6 chickens.  However, you do start counting how many chickens are left and start wondering how many she needs for this funeral.

She needed 10.  Phew, I was able to grab Roast Chicken number 11 and be on my way.  Not sure if all the people in that line got chickens from oven number one or if they had to wait for oven number 2.

Needless to say, Sam’s Club rules the roost when it comes to Roast Chickens. But you may want to bone up on the proper procedures and protocols before heading over there in order to ensure the most optimal experience.

Bon apetít everyone!