Non-customer Service

🤬🤬🤬 Comcast.

Need I say more?  This could be the shortest blog ever because I am pretty sure I could leave it at that and y’all would get it.  No further explanation needed.

But, where’s the fun in that? Lol. 

About a week ago, we turned on the tv one evening only to be greeted with some error code message.

My first reaction was to contact Comcast through the app to get help with the problem.

Ernie’s first reaction was to do the initial troubleshooting which is basically unplug and replug the connection to the cable box.

We went with Ernie’s approach.

It worked.  Great.  Problem solved.  Easy peasy.

Two nights later?

Same thing.  Ernie unplugged and re-plugged.  This time, it didn’t work. 

Xfinity app here I come.  I should know by now, that when it comes to customer service with any big company that relies on automation as the gatekeeper, that nothing is ever easy.

I was about 20 minutes invested in trying to communicate with their bot and we were nowhere near close to solving the problem.  We were, however, close to my head popping off my shoulders.

Ernie meanwhile kept unplugging and plugging in until finally he exclaimed, “It’s working!”

Oh yay.  Get me out of this automated chat cycle that’s a gerbil wheel to nowhere.

Two nights later.  Yup.  You got it.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Back to the app I go.  Only this time, through much perseverance, I finally wore down their AI bot and got to a “live” agent.  Wuhoo!

It was a lot of texting.  I was exhausted from texting.  God forbid you should actually talk “live” with a “live” agent. 

However, at the end of it, the agent swore our problem was fixed.  He did some kind of system/signal rehaul.  He put us on a watch list so they would continue to monitor the situation so as to not have it happen again.

Two nights later?

Yup.  Only this time, the tv worked when we turned it on, but froze and cut out mid-way through Jeopardy.  Great. Now I’ll never know the question to the answer “This word for a container of jam or pickles comes from the Arabic for a water vessel.”  What is, I’ll have to google that now.

Ok, now I am steamed.  This has happened multiple times within a week.  It has been aggravation upon aggravation to try to get resolution.

That’s it.  Time to pull out the big guns.  Forget the Xfinity App and it’s mindless AI bot, and it’s “live” agent and their false promises.

Time. To make. A phone-call.

Now, I should know just because I am attempting to talk, not text, with a live person, that that feat would be easily accomplished.  Au contraire.  Trying to talk to a live person through a heavily armed customer service line designed to actually keep you from reaching a live person is a feat of epic proportions. Only those with the stamina, mental strength and will, and pure fire in their bellies should attempt this.  Otherwise, well, otherwise, you may find yourself with much wailing, and grinding and nashing of teeth.

The AI bot sounded so cheerful and smiley, pretending to be such a nice, caring person.  Easy to be cheerful and smiley when you don’t know you are slowly driving the other person on the other end of the line crazy.

I tried to follow all her prompts hoping that it would eventually land me with a real person. But no.  You know where she landed me? Back at the effing Xfinity app with not even the “live” agent, but the AI bot.  I thought well, let me go through these prompts to get to the live agent and see if we can speak in person. 

I get to the “live” agent. He texted me, “How can I help you?”

I texted back, “It’s too much to text. I need to speak to an agent.”

He texted me back.  “I can’t help you then.  Here’s the number to call.”  It’s the same number I just called.  🤬

Redialed.  Knowing what not to do to avoid ending up on the Xfinity App gerbil wheel, I tried responding differently to her prompts.

She hung up on me because I either didn’t speak fast enough because I didn’t know what of the limited options that she offered me to say because none of them fit my problem.  Well. The nerve of her.

Redialed.

Instead of trying to play by their rules, I upped the ante.  The gloves are coming off my friend.  I tried it your way.  Now we are doing it my way.  I am from Philly.  Ever hear of a guy called Rocky? I can go the distance my friend.  I can go the distance.  I might end up bloody and bruised but I will take you to the end.

“Live agent”, I yelled into the phone before she can even offer me categories that don’t fit my problem.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that,” she said, “Let’s try this again. Would you like….”

“No,” I yelled into the phone.  “Live agent,” I screamed. 

I “live agent” her at every turn.  I had her.  She was cornered.  She knew she was beat.

And then, the miracle occurred.

I got a live, real, talking person.

Meanwhile, all this time, Ernie kept unplugging and plugging in the cable.  Every time he does so, the tv would work.  But only for about 10 minutes before freezing and cutting out again.

I explained all this to the gentleman whose name I can’t remember, but who was doing his best to be so helpful and kind to me.  He knew what those who survive the gauntlet had experienced to arrive at this point where they are talking to a real person.  His empathy was palpable.

As he is troubleshooting for me though things take a slightly weird turn.

“So, Mary,” he asked, “Do you live alone?”

What kind of question is that?  I am now creeped out.  But I can’t lose this guy. 

I calmly respond, “Umm, no.  I live with my husband.”

“Do you have kids,” he asked?

“Yes, but they are grown.  We are retired empty nesters,” I said.

“What do you do with your free time,” he asked?

“Umm, gardening, photography, walking, writing, volunteering are some things I like to do.”

“Do you do yoga and meditation,” he asked?

“Yes. Yes, I do, actually,” I answered.

Ok, I am about to lose my s*&^t now.  What’s with these questions?!! Just fix my goshdarned tv signal problem!  But I dare not lose this guy because he is my only hope.

“Have you ever been to India,” he asked?  “My country is a beautiful country and I think you’d like it. Maybe you have seen some Indian movies?”

“I have never been to India,” I answered, “but I would love to visit some day.  I have seen an Indian movie or two, and I have read some books by Indian authors.  I am currently reading The Covenant of Water, by Abraham Verghese.  It takes place in India.  It’s a great book so far.”

“Do you like Indian food? Do you go to Indian restaurants,” he asked?

“Yes,” I answered. “We have a great Indian restaurant near where we live.”

“What’s your favorite dish,” he asked?

“Chicken tikki masala,” I answered.

“Have you ever tried chicken butter? It’s my favorite” he said.

 O.M.G.  When will it stop?!!!

Finally he reached the end of his troubleshooting capabilites which fortunately meant the end of the overly personal questions.  He couldn’t fix my problem but we ended the conversation with an appointment for a tech to come out the next day.

Glory be!! A tech! Coming to my house! To fix the problem!  I did it.  I ran the gauntlet.  I survived their customer service system which is designed to not service the customer at all but to drive them to drink or lunacy or both.  I won!! I had to put up with some creepy Q&A from what sounded like a very lonely man half a world away.  But I prevailed!

I wasn’t done yet though.  Here comes the cherry on top.

“Listen,” I said to him.  “This problem went on for a whole week.  We haven’t been able to watch tv, or use this very expensive service which we pay for monthly.  I feel like we should be given a discount on our next month’s bill.”

“I completely understand,” he said. “I am authorized to give you a $20 credit.  Would you like that?”

$20? A drop in the bucket.  But I will take it.  For now.

“Yes, thank you, “ I said.

But he wasn’t done with me. 

“Mary, would you mind taking the survey they will send you? It will be about me and how I took care of your problem, not Xfinity itself.  I really really need a good rating.  Like if you can give me an 8 or above I would greatly appreciate it.”

“Sure thing,” I answered.

And I did.  Creepy as some of the conversation was, I do believe he was just trying to make conversation and perhaps there were some things lost in translation. Cultural nuances, etc.  I truly felt like he was trying to help me.

End result? Tech came out.  Great guy.  Gave us a new cable box. That was two days ago.  So far so good.  Fingers crossed, holding my breath. 

Otherwise, good-bye Comcast, hello Verizon.  Can you hear me now?