Straws

Ernie and I had a conversation about straws the other day.  Lest ye judge the seeming lack of excitement in our relationship, do note that when you are married for nigh on 39 years now, sometimes the conversations can tend towards the mundane. 

And to be fair, we were in a car on a two hour drive to Brooklyn to visit the grandchild.  In between my singing along with my Motown playlist on Spotify to Ain’t No Mountain High Enough and Stop! In the Name of Love, like I was a 4th Supreme, we found ourselves talking about straws.

For example.  Why was the straw invented? When was the first straw invented? What were the first straws like and what were they made of? What has been the history and evolution of the straw and how many different types of straws we have today? The politicization of the straw today and what does that say about us as a society?

Let’s take that first question.  Why was the straw invented?  I mean, usually, things get invented to solve a particular problem that is in need of a solution.

Like the invention (or discovery more like it) of fire, or the invention of the wheel, or the invention of the windshield wipers on your car to keep the view clear during the rain. And even better, many years later, the invention of the timed windshield wiper to adjust to the amount of rain.  Btw, why did it take so long to go from windshield wiper to timed windshield wiper? Perhaps that’s a blog for another day.

But why invent the straw? Was holding a cup to your lips and sipping from it a challenge?  I could argue that it’s harder to drink through a straw than it is to sip from a cup.  You’ve got to engage some facial muscles to sip through a straw and kind of engage your diaphragm/breathing apparatus to suck the fluid up through it. 

We started googling that question and the others, thanks to that other invention that we didn’t even know we needed, a pocket size computer that doubles as a phone.

Here’s what we learned.

Apparently, straws were invented to “drink beverages without having to lift a glass or cup and to avoid spilling drinks.”  Ok, now we are getting somewhere.  Gosh forbid we need to lift a glass or cup.  Oy, the strain on the arm.  And goodness knows spilling some iced-tea on your white linen blouse can really be a problem.  So glad they came up with the straw to solve for that.  Bless them. Still haven’t figured out how to eradicate world poverty and hunger, but we found a way to give our arms a rest when it comes to lifting a glass.

Now, reading on, we learned that “early straws were used to drink beer that was fermented in large vats, so the straw helped filter out solids”.  Pause.  Who is drinking beer out of a large vat?  Can you imagine the fun happy hour that must be? BYOS.  Bring Your Own Straw.  We have the beer vats.

Next, to avoid insects.  Apparently, in hot climates, “straws helped avoid drinking insects that landed in drinks”.  Hmmm.  But wouldn’t the insect still land in your drink and then just get sucked up through the straw? So you could conceivably still ingest said insect, just through a straw vs straight through the lips.  And the fact that the insect is still in your glass, infecting it with whatever germs it has isn’t still a problem? Plus, what, you are drinking a glass, seeing a bug floating in it and you don’t, you know, reach in and just grab it?

What you really need to avoid insects, which if you know me at all, you know I have this device, is a cup protector that you fit over your glass that keeps the bugs out.  It’s plastic with mesh like material.  I, for one, am not drinking anything that has a bug in it, straw or no straw.

Next, to share.  “Straws allowed multiple people to drink from the same container.”  Pause, again.  Long pause, actually.  Excuse me? Ever hear of germs?  Why are multiple people drinking out of the same container? All those people and all their germs backwashing back into the drink with every sip from every person. 

Again, for all of you who know me, this is a scenario you will never find me in.  I have seen those big, fancy alcoholic drinks, ummm, Scorpio Bowls, I think some of them are called?  Yeah, I’ll pass, thank you.  Yeah, I have heard the argument that it is alcohol so it’s killing the germs.  Still a pass.

Still with me? If so, who knew the topic of straws could be so interesting, right?

On to the next question, when was the straw first invented? 

Answer: around 3000 BC by the Sumerians.  I remember the Sumerians from my 4th grade history class.  Only I think back then they called it Social Studies, not history. At some upper grade level it morphs from Social Studies into History. Why? (Another blog post?).

Anyway, they were pretty smart ancient people who invented a lot of stuff, and you know, culture and civilization in general.  So, gotta give some props here.  Maybe I am not taking the straw and its contribution to a better society seriously enough.  The Sumerians, being cool peeps, made their straws out of wood, gold, and precious stones.  Fancy.

Fast forward to the 16th century (guess not much happened between the Sumerians and the 16th century or I am being lazy with my google research skills) and we find out that the South Americans invented a “special straw called a bombilla to drink yerba mate, a tea with many leaves and stalks.  The bombilla is still used today.” 500 years later though and I do not think the bombilla has made its way beyond South America as I have never seen nor heard of a bombilla. However, I bet there’s some cool, hipster restaurant or cafe in Brooklyn that serves Yerba mate with bombillas.

Jump to the year 1888 and an American inventor named Marvin Stone patented a drinking straw made of manila paper.  Huh.  How about that? Everything old is new again.  Or it was before this year’s Executive Order number 7,392 banned paper straws, and now they are old again. But, hold on for that. 

The problem that Stone saw that he wanted to solve was that “people used natural materials, such as rye grass and reeds, to consume cold liquids, which could cause an unpleasant taste and odor to the drink.  And while he was perfecting his paper straw, he made it so the diameter was just wide enough to prevent things like lemon seeds from being lodged in the tube.”  But did he think about bugs?

1937 saw the invention of the first bendable straw, by a guy named Joseph Friedman. Now this does have some value.  This bendable straw helps people who are in a hospital or a bed and can’t sit up for whatever reason.  The bendable straw helps those people. Now that I get.

Then came the 1960’s and the era of plastics.  We all know this was the era of plastics because we all (well, by we all I mean, those of us over say, 55) watched the film, The Graduate, when an older, uber capitalist told newly minted grad, Dustin Hoffman to get a job in plastics as it was the wave of the future.  But Mrs. Robinson got her claws on Dustin and he had no time to think about plastics, seeing as he was also falling in love with her daughter. 

Anyway, once the era of plastics dawned, all kinds of developments happened with the straw. 

For instance, the Crazy Straw.  Remember that? Because what kid doesn’t want to drink their milk through the many loops of a crazy straw?

Somebody came up with the great idea to modify the straw for milkshakes such that the bottom of the straw had an extension in an oval shape that let you scoop the milkshake if you preferred that, or in addition to, drinking it through the straw the regular way. 

Then there are the tiny straws you get with your alcoholic cocktails.  They serve a dual purpose of being a stirrer, but they make them a straw too, albeit a super thin one so you really have to suck on it to get any liquid. 

Recently at Ernie’s 13 year old nephew’s birthday party, his nephew was wearing his straw. They were plastic eye glasses that you wore on your head. The one side circled behind the ear into the glass and the other side circled around the other ear and into your mouth.

All these plastic straws though were becoming so much litter and waste.  Never decomposing, with us forever.  Finding their way into our oceans and the nostrils of Sea Turtles.  Sea Turtles have it tough as it is without getting our plastic straws stuck up their noses. 

We did the right thing, being empathic creatures that we are.  We knew that the original straws were made of paper, let’s just go back to that.  Why have plastic with all their accompanying ills? It really wasn’t necessary to have plastic straws.   That is until this year’s Executive Order number 7,392 decided to say, no we really aren’t empathic creatures and eff the Sea Turtle.  Tough beans.  Or rather, tough straws.

Those that still want to be empathic though, can buy their own portable, re-usable compact/collapsible straws made out of steel, or aluminum. I could make another joke here about if you want a steel/aluminum collapsible re-usable straw, best get it now before the tariffs on steel/aluminum go into effect. Or not. Or do. Or not. Or do.

There you have it.  And if you are lucky, one night in the near future while some of these factoids might still be fresh in your mind (for me the near future where factoids remain fresh in my mind is defined as the next 10 minutes), and you have friends or family over and you are all watching Jeopardy and one of the categories happens to be Straws, you can rip through that category like a pro, impressing one and all.

Let’s sip to that!