Two Boomers Walk Into a Digitally Operated Hotel

My millennial niece sends my sister (her mom) and me a text about our upcoming trip to NYC.  She booked us rooms at Citizen M hotel.  You are going to need to download the app, she says.  It’s all digitally operated.  Check-in, the lights, and shades in the room.  Everything. And since I am not arriving with you both, you are going to need to figure this out in advance as I won’t be able to help you.  Forewarned is for….? Something.  Well, definitely warned. 

Ok. I begin my box breathing to regulate my vaso vagal nerve which immediately jumped into overdrive.  My sister and I are two intelligent people and we should be able to figure this out.  I mean I have apps, I know how to use apps.  How hard can it be?

The morning of the trip arrives and my sister and I head to Manhattan.  Both of us have downloaded the Citizen M app and we are giving each other a pep talk.  Something along the lines of, we got this.  Nothing to worry about.  It will be easy-peasy.  Neither of us admits to the beads of perspiration forming on our bodies.

We arrive at the hotel, girding ourselves.  We give each other a solemn look and nod..let’s do this.  As if we were an elite bomb squad or something heading in to defuse a bomb.  We enter the lobby.  Oooh!! Cool lobby.  We get a little distracted by the modern, eclectic décor and hip, cool vibe of the place.  Nice!  Ok.  No hotel lobby desk.  We were forewarned, so no surprise there.

We see some kiosks which were kind of grouped in a circle in the lobby.  Better yet, we see hotel employees there. Not one, but two even!  We issue a huge, collective sigh of relief.  Score! Safety net spotted. But wait.  We wonder.  If they have employees there, then why do we have to check ourselves in?  Better yet, why not have the best of both worlds? Not either/or, but both/and.  Millenials and under to the kiosks.  Boomers and lazy Millenials and under to the check-in desk. 

No answers to those questions so we prepare to engage.  My sister pulls up her app.  We are a little confused because we thought we’d need the app to sign in.  But the kiosk just wants us to sign in.  We hesitate.  Safety net to the rescue.  “May I help you?,” the Gen Z hotel employee asks ever so nicely.  And might I add, not the least bit condescendingly.   We were so grateful we almost cried.  For the help and the lack of condescension. Yes, yes, please! How do we check in?  He explains that we just have to enter our names into the kiosk and it should bring up our reservation.  Thank you we say ever so gratefully, though still confused why we have to do it and not the hotel employee.

My sister starts inputting the info as she and I are sharing a room.  She starts muttering under her breath.   “What,” I say? “ It’s not working,” she spits out.  “What do you mean,” I ask.  “ I put in my info but it’s not bringing up the reservation.  This is like the third time now,” she says frustratedly.  This was immediately followed by  “Oh wait. I see.  I misspelled my name.” Voila!

Next step was to activate the key.  Ok.  We got this far. Didn’t want to blow it now.  We pick up the rectangular, plastic key card.  We look at it.  Turn it over and around in our hands as if examining a fine gem.  We look from it to the kiosk and back to it again, willing somehow into our consciousness how to get the info from the kiosk into the key.  Osmosis clearly wasn’t the way.  Kindly Gen Z hotel employee to the rescue again.  Just hold the key up to this scanner and it will then register it.  Once again, voila!

Time to head to the room.  As we enter we ooh and ahh.  Sleek, modern, small, very small room.  Very, very, very small room.  Ant colonies have more space in them I believe. 

But the digital experience is not yet over.  We need to figure out how to turn on the lights.  We remain undaunted.  My sister volunteers for that task and picks up the iPad that was situated in the room kind of like the Holy Eucharist at church when it is on display in the Monstrance.  I felt like we should maybe kneel down, bow our heads and pray.

“Ok,” she says, “I think I can figure this out.  Hold on, let’s see.  Yes…ok, here we go.  Lights.” She pushes some keys on the pad and lo and behold, let there be light.  She pushes some more keys and asks what color light you like? We were bedazzled by all the colors of the rainbow and decided to settle on a soothing blue.  Because we needed soothing. “ Ok, I said.  How about the blinds.”  Yup. Check.  She pushes some more keys and the blinds come down.  Room temperature? Check.  Success! We high-five each other. 

The Lord looked around at his creation and saw that it was good. And on the 7th day the Lord rested.  We opted for happy hour.  No digital anything required there.  A normal bartender taking normal cash or credit.  We smile, relax and order up two glasses of rosé.  Just like in the good old days.  And then asked each other, what the hell was the app for?