Will There Be Any Bears?

I am not really very fond of camping.  If, by camping, you mean anything that involves sleeping outdoors in anything that lacks four solid walls, a roof, running water/modern plumbing, and heating/cooling.  I have heard tell of this thing called Glamping.  I think it may approximate something a little more closely to my preferences, but still likely falls short.  Don’t know for sure though, as I’ve never glamped.

I have, however, camped.

My first foray into camping was as a Girl Scout.  I come from a family of scouts.  My dad and brother-in-law were scoutmasters, my three brothers were scouts, and my nephew is an Eagle Scout.

Growing up with my dad and my brothers I was entranced by their stories of camping.  I loved the smell of the cedar foot locker they took with them on their trips.  I loved the mess kits, the sleeping bags, the flashlights, the canteen, and all the gear associated with camping.  I loved how my dad would come home from camping and hiking the App Trail with a scruffy beard and the woodsy aroma he carried with him.  Ok, maybe I am being a little kind there calling it a woodsy aroma.  Unwashed body for 4 days with a hint of the woods, is more like it.

I couldn’t wait to become a Girl Scout and go camping myself.  My first camping trip did not disappoint.  Too much.  We were in a tent that was on a platform.  We put our sleeping bags on cots. But those daddy long leg spiders seemed to be everywhere.  Somebody told me they were harmless and wouldn’t bite.  Not sure I believed them.  So I spent most of the night with my flashlight doing a sweep of the tent looking out for them. 

Then there was the lack of privacy.  My friend asked me to hold up a towel so she could get changed.  She leaned against the side of the tent forgetting it was not a wall and promptly fell out of the tent half-dressed. 

Then there was the hike through the woods.  You know what one of the things that lives in the woods of Pennsylvania is? Rattlesnakes.  And there he was just hanging out right in the middle of our hiking path.  Do you think our scout leader said, “Ok, girls, dangerous venomous rattle snake here that could kill us, let’s turn around”?  No.  No, she did not.  Instead, she said, “Ok, girls, watch out for this rattle snake.  Don’t touch it.  Just very carefully walk around it.”

And then of course, there were the latrines.  Good god.  I tried to hold my breath for the entire time I was in there doing my business, but since it always took longer to do my business than it took to hold my breath, that was a bad strategy.  Truly, there is no strategy for latrines.  Well, there is.  It’s called a toilet.  But they don’t seem to have them in the woods.

My second camping trip with the Girl Scouts did not get off to a good start.  We were a bit older, so we were actually going to pitch our own tents.  On the ground.  No platform. No cots.  However, as we are trudging through the woods carrying all of our gear, tents, etc, it’s starting to downpour.  Tremendously.  The leaders had to pivot and fortunately were able to find us cabins.  Talk about being prepared.

So, it didn’t take long for the allure of camping to wear off for me.  My camping years quickly came to a close.

Only to be resurrected about 17 years ago. Ernie got the great idea that we should have a Morroney Family camping trip.  My dad, ever the lover of all things camping and hiking would really enjoy it and it would be fun to get the whole family together for it.  Or so the thinking went.  My dad was able to get us the Scout camp site on Hawk Mountain at which he and his troop always camped. While I looked forward to spending time with my brother, sister, in-laws, and my nieces and nephews, I was not looking forward to the camping part.  I was told that we would not need tents as there were cabins on the site.  Ok, well, that was a plus.  The latrines however, were a big minus.

My first question was, will there be any bears? Everyone was like, nah, don’t worry, there won’t be any bears.  My dad and brother said they had been camping here for years and never saw a bear.  Hmmm.  Ok.  Meanwhile, on the drive up there, what do I see? Signs that say beware of bears.  No bears, my ass.  Now I had to worry about bears eating my ass.

I only had to get through two days and one night though.  I had a good out for missing the first night, a Friday night.  Amy had a game of some sort that night.  So she and I would drive up separately on Saturday.  Ernie and Joey drove up Friday afternoon with everybody else.

We pull into the campsite and start unloading our gear and walked towards the “cabins”. 

Me: Whoa.  Wait a minute.  What’s that?

Ernie: That’s what we’re sleeping in.

Me:   I thought we had cabins.

Ernie:  These are the cabins.

Me: No, these are not cabins.  Cabins have four walls, a roof, with a door.  These are lean-to’s.  They are only 3 walls with a roof.

Ernie:  Well, this is what we got.

Me: Well, what we got is basically an open invitation for any bear, or any wild animal for that matter, to come on in while we are sleeping and help themselves to our tasty morsels.

That evening, the moment of truth could not be put off any longer, and it was time for everyone to go to sleep.  Joey was sleeping in a lean-to with his cousins. Amy, Ernie and I were in our own lean-to.  The three of us were side by side in our sleeping bags.  I was having trouble falling asleep, no surprise, when things started hitting the roof of our lean-to.  I bolted upright.  What was that noise?  I yelled out to my niece and her husband who were in the lean-to opposite us.  “Chrissy,” I yelled, “Did you hear that? Anything hitting your roof?”  “No, Aunt Mary. Maybe it’s just squirrels.”

It happened again, only this time, there was a growling type noise.

“Ernie, what is that? Do you hear that?” I asked, nudging him. He was already half asleep.

“It’s nothing,” he said. “Just go to sleep.”

Yeah right, like that was going to happen.

The noises happened again.  And again.

Suddenly I had the thought that maybe it was my nephews and son being funny and trying to scare me.

“Bobby,” I yelled out, “Is that you? Are you throwing things on our roof and making bear noises?”

Nothing.  No response. 

I tried again.  “Bobby, Pj, Joey, I know it’s you guys! It’s you guys, right?”

Nada.  I was straining to hear giggling. They were clearly very good at covert operations or there truly was a bear out there throwing rocks on my lean-to and making growling noises. Not that I have ever heard of bears throwing rocks on lean-to’s, but ya know, best to err on the side of caution.

Ok, I was done.  While I knew it was 99.9% likely not a bear but nephews and son having some fun, there was no way I was going to be able to sleep in that lean-to anyway.

“Amy, wanna sleep in the car with me,” I asked?

“Sure,” she says.  What a trooper she was. 

Amy and I made our way to the car. Very quickly.

I realized we had some snacks and food in the car.  Oh, wait.  We have to get this food out of the car.  Bears might smell it and try to go after it.

So, we take the food out of the car and put it in the pavilion.

We settle into the front seats of the car, and recline back.

But wait a minute.  The car was kind of parked off by itself, away from everyone.  My next thought? What if an axe murderer comes wondering through?  We are easy prey here. Veritable sitting, er sleeping, ducks.

Bears vs axe murderers.  I can’t win.

I pulled the car closer to the pavilion which is where my dad and his girlfriend at the time were sleeping, so as to not feel so isolated, and closer to any help, should we need it.

Amy and I spent most of the night talking.  Which is why we were both awake when my dad got up and started walking towards us.  He did not see that we were in the car.  He stops by the rear wheel of our car. And unzips his pants and starts to pee.  Amy and I hid our eyes so fast.  OMG.  He’s not even using the latrine? He’s not even going to the edge of the woods to pee? He’s peeing by our car? In the parking lot?  UGH!!!

Morning couldn’t come fast enough.  Breakfast with the family was a moment of reckoning for my dad and my nephews and son.  Over some delicious bacon and eggs that my brother cooked up, I told my dad he was gross for not using the latrine and peeing by my car. His response was that the latrine was too far to walk to in the middle of the night.  He had zero shame.  My nephews and son thought it was hilarious that Amy and I ended up sleeping in the car and felt quite proud of their shenanigans. Net net, nobody seemed to have any shame.  Though they all did apologize.

Fortunately, though I had had no sleep which often makes one irritable and grumpy, I thought it was all pretty funny.  And Amy and I ended up having some great mother-daughter quality time, as it turned out.  As it also turned out, we all had some great family quality time that I treasure to this day.

In fact, it had been so nice, all of us together, that the next year, I suggested we all get together for a weekend again.

Just at a house at the beach instead of a lean-to in the woods.